MY TURN
5 Ways to Help a Friend
Who Parents a Child
with Special Needs
BY JACQUELINE RENFROW
Jacqueline Renfrow is a freelance jour-
nalist of more than 20 years. She is a
frequent contributor to Washington FAM-
ILY, MetroKids and other publications in
the national-capital area. When she's not
writing, editing or raising three kids, she
is pursuing a master's certificate at Johns
Hopkins School of Education to bring
awareness in the education system for neu-
rodiverse learners.

38 Washington FAMILY OCTOBER 2022
ignoring the other two. It will ease my stress
and that of my neurotypical children if you
take them out for some much-needed fun.

2 Leave your advice at the door. Yes, we
believe in discipline (lucky you if it
works). Yes, he has a bedtime (it changes
based on his medications). Yes, we have
tried reward charts, incentives and bribes.

Go ahead and assume we’ve tried it all
and know we are working with licensed
professionals—doctors, psychiatrists, occu-
pational therapists and tutors.

3 Invite me out as a friend. Navigating
school, home life and appointments
feels like full-time work. Going out for cof-
fee or a walk, or anything that involves two
friends hanging out, is an exciting pros-
pect and anything but the norm. Let us be
human beings, adults with dreams and a
sense of humor, for a few hours.

4 We don’t want more attention. Every-
where we go, we draw attention,
whether from a child meltdown or a frus-
trated parent’s outburst. We don’t want you
to offer help or to look at us with sympa-
thetic eyes. We are handling it and knowing
others are in the audience only makes the
situation harder. Leave us alone to deal with
the situation as we see fit.

5 Don’t lower your expectations. Yes,
at some point we’ve had to adjust our
expectations to meet the realities of our
child with special needs. However, we still
want our son, and those around him, to
reach for greatness. Friends and grandpar-
ents should continue to support the child’s
Take my other children, please. You interests and hobbies. And please, only
know that my special needs child takes offer valid praise that he has earned: Like
up a good portion of my day, leaving me less a child, he has strengths and weaknesses.

time to attend to his siblings. This leaves Don’t treat him as special. Treat him as his
me with extreme mom guilt for seemingly unique self. T
1 PROVIDED PHOTO
P arents of young kids are perpetually
drained—that goes without saying.

But if you’ve never parented a child
with special needs, you don’t understand the
mental and physical exhaustion that these
individuals face. I had no knowledge of this
divide either until I had a special needs child
of my own. Now I’ve learned not to judge a
screaming child in the supermarket or one
who bites another in the preschool class.

And I don’t think twice about a parent who
gives a child a tablet at the dinner table or at
9 p.m. when mom or dad needs some peace.

What do I want parents of neurotypical
children to know?
When you tell me you are tired because
your son didn’t sleep well last night, I hold
back from reminding you that my child has
been sleeping next to me since he was 18
months old and could climb out of his crib.

When you complain about driving your
daughter to soccer practice twice a week,
I think of how many hours and how much
money I’ve wasted trying to get my son to
try a new sport, only to have him quit after
one practice. When you say you were embar-
rassed when your child didn’t say thank you
at the end of a playdate, I want to hide in
shame remembering the meltdown that my
son had at your home.

I get it. We all need to vent about parent-
ing sometimes. And you are well-meaning
in assuming that my parenting struggles
are similar to your own. But instead of try-
ing to connect with me, try one of these five
actions that we, parents of children with
special needs, want more.




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