LAST WORD
Arms Around Both
Generations: Caring for
Teens and Aging Parents
BY KATHRYN STREETER
J We expect our
teenagers to ‘get
better’ while our
elderly parents
continue to
decline and
eventually pass on.

uggling the demands and learning curve of
blossoming adolescents is tough, but just what
if this process prepared parents for handling
their own aging parents? Understanding where
similarities lie between teens and aging parents
puts a new twist on the popular theme of feel-
ing “sandwiched” between these two lovable but
stretching generations.

Family therapist Colleen O’Grady, the author of
“Dial Down the Drama,” says there are similarities
between teens and aging parents and that “skills
you learn from raising teenagers are helpful.” She
offers valuable encouragement needed for dealing
with both in her simple admonition, “Remember,
it’s not personal.”
Though her book focuses on teenage girls, her
mantra of not getting pulled into the drama is
at the heart of her family counseling strategy, a
message she was privileged to share onstage in
her TEDx Talk last year. Not getting sucked into
the drama, she says, is equally critical for adult
children in their relationship with aging parents.

Observation Watching teens’ nonverbal signals grows increas-
ingly important because often, many things go
unsaid, simmering below the surface. Noting
expressions, the way they walk through the front
door or hastily leave the dinner table offer clues to
what’s going on.

Similarly, there’s a lot to be learned from watch-
ing aging parents. How’s their driving? Do they
struggle with balance or basic housekeeping?
Instead of badgering them, approach the issue
you’ve detected with open-ended questions,
O’Grady advises, such as, “Is it hard keeping up
with the housework?” instead of threatening, lead-
ing questions like, “You can’t clean the house by
yourself, don’t you agree?”
O’Grady says, “When you listen, most of the
time you will hear an opening for advice.”
In “How to Care for the Emotional Needs of
the Elderly,” Frances Evesham identifies the core
needs of an elderly person, including that of engag-
ing in pleasurable activities. Just as one would for a
teen, take steps to support an aging parent’s areas
of interest. Being watchful and observant is the
first step in offering solutions, so, she says, “Take
time to listen carefully to an elderly person.”
Evesham advises that if your aging parent loves
54 Washington FAMILY
OCTOBER 2019
reading, for example, but is struggling with seeing
the text, consider buying large-print editions. The
take-away: Do what is possible to maintain their
dignity and independence so they can continue
doing what they love.

Intervention Knowing when to intervene requires discernment.

Sometimes parents have to be reminded that their
teens deserve respect; aging parents deserve no less.

O’Grady sheds light on where the “drama”
comes from, explaining that aging parents can
spend a majority of their days in the limbic system
of their brain, i.e., the reactive part. Prompted by
fears of losing control, their independence or their
dignity, fear of the future, among other things,
makes aging parents prone to “a plethora of nega-
tive emotions — especially anxiety.” The brain, she
continues, goes “off-line” from the higher brain —
the cerebral cortex, which is the big-picture, prob-
lem-solving part of the brain — and instead lodges
in the limbic system, the reactionary part.

Likewise, teens often tend to live in the brain’s
reactive limbic system, but unlike their grandpar-
ents, they do so because their pre-frontal cortex,
responsible for cognitive behavior, is still in the
process of development.

The poor judgment and reasoning piece is where
LuAnne Smith, geriatric care manager and elder
care consultant, sees similarities between teens
and seniors. “However, the sad difference is that
we expect our teenagers to ‘get better’ while our
elderly parents continue to decline and eventually
pass on,” Smith says.

Even when there’s no dementia, O’Grady says
cognitive decline is common in the elderly, so they
will typically get emotionally flooded and react
quickly, seeing events in the extreme.

It’s a struggle to demonstrate our sincere care
for aging parents without making them feel like
they’re being shadowed.

This sage advice is reminiscent of counsel given
to parents regarding their teens, to give them
space to live their own lives. Barring medical prob-
lems, this learned posture conveniently provides
adult children with a useful template for caring for
aging parents. ■
Kathryn Streeter is a D.C.-based mom
and blogger.