THE LAST WORD
5 WAYS TEENS
CHANGED MY
PARENTING STYLE
BY KATHRYN STREETER
P Illustration by:
Talia Greenberg
arents of young children sometimes live under the
illusion that if they parent well, they’ll be spared the
challenges common to the teen years. It’s what I personally
hoped for. But as my kids grew and changed, I realized I
needed to, too. Here’s what I learned along the way.

1. I learned to approach beloved family traditions with
flexibility. We raised our kids with the expectation that every
Saturday morning started at the local coffee shop. It was a
tradition we all enjoyed and looked forward to until my kids
suddenly sprouted into teenagers and wanted to sleep until
noon. Instead of taking a hardline approach, KidsHealth
professionals recommend flexibility when it comes to family
activities. Demanding rigid adherence to family activities
will likely backfire, creating a tense situation. So instead of
an unyielding “always” tone, try the posture of “sometimes.”
Then identify those family activities on the calendar that rise
to the “mandatory” level and let the rest go.

2. I learned to accept a fluid dinner hour. It’s long been my
ambition to eat dinner around the table together, but things
grew to a new level of helter-skelter with high schoolers
coming and going amidst sporting events, invitations
from friends and other commitments. As life bulges to
unprecedented levels of busyness, stick with family dinners
whenever and however possible says clinical psychologist Dr.

Laura Markham of Aha! Parenting. If someone in the family
must be absent, carry on with the rest of the family.

The humble dinner hour provides a level of connectivity
with teens that’s been tied to better grades, lower levels of
depression and suicide attempts and less experimentation
with drugs, alcohol and sex, says Markham. Furthermore,
teens who eat dinner with their families show a healthier
approach to food, writes Cody C. Delistraty in The Atlantic.

3. I learned that conversation happens when it’s going
to happen. Great conversation may occur around the
dinner table but, maybe not. The team of experts at Child
Development Institute say to stop, focus and listen whenever
48 October 2018 washingtonFAMILY.com
our teens want to talk. “Many teens feel they can’t talk to
their parents because they’re always at work or busy doing
something else,” says the Child Development Institute. “We
often forget to take time out from our hectic lives to pay
enough attention to our kids.” And listen more than talk,
keeping your responses brief, adds Dr. John Duffy, author
of “The Available Parent: Radical Optimism for Raising Teens
and Tweens.” Duffy suggests approaching our teens from the
perspective of a visiting neighbor; it’ll help us view them less
critically and with greater empathy.

4. I learned to turn a blind eye to messy bedrooms. Reporter
Jan Hoffman of The New York Times helps uncover why
messy rooms are hard for parents to tolerate. Her interviews
with distressed parents reveal that parents take it personally.

We’re embarrassed. We feel an acute sense of parenting
failure, making the issue about us and forgetful that teens are
on a complex journey to becoming adults. KidsHealth argues
that, in fact, bedrooms are teens’ personal space and should
be respected, adding that resisting to intervene at this level
helps teens feel trusted and cultivates personal responsibility.

5. I learned not to let my teens control my marriage. Our
teens go to bed when we do, or later. We’re helplessly
collapsing into bed. We have no energy to talk, to be just the
two of us. How do we stay connected as a couple? These
thoughts are common to parents with teens; psychologist
Suzanne Phillips warns against becoming preoccupied
with teenage struggles to the point of neglecting our
marriages. Phillips describes this danger as “abdicating” our
role as a partner in order to be a vigilant parent. In reality,
teens benefit from signs of affection between their parents.

When we come together, we offer our teens a solid home
environment, an invaluable gift.

Life is never static and, surely, this truth couldn’t be more
evident than in homes with teens. The wax and wane of
family rhythm are actually signs of growth, not to be feared
or resisted. After all, the relationships within our homes —
not the particular day-to-day routine — should be what we
fiercely protect.

Kathryn Streeter is a D.C.-based mom and blogger.




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