The Same but Different:
Raising Twins to Be
Self-Reliant Individuals
TEXT Scott McCaffrey
L ife can get complicated for twins, but they, and their
3. What are some of the common issues adult twins face?
parents, have an ally in Dr. Joan Friedman. A California
The common issues that adult twins face are related to their inability
psychotherapist – and both a twin herself and the mother of
to feel competent and masterful on their own. Often, they feel as if
twins – she works with families to meet the special needs of siblings
their “other half” has the skills and strengths they need in order to
who often can be seen as one person rather than two.

feel whole and integrated.

Dr. Friedman is the author of
4. You’re a twin and a mother of twins, and your professional work
focuses on the lives of twins. What is your experience like being
an adult twin? Did your own experience influence the way you’ve
raised your twins?
The Same But Different: How
Twins Can Live, Love and Learn
to Be Individuals and Emotionally
Being an identical twin as well as a mother of fraternal twins has
Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy
informed most, if not all, of my professional work as a twin expert.

for Parenting Two Unique Children.

My twin sister, Jane, and I have struggled with establishing our
She was the was the featured
own individual identities because we were raised primarily as a
speaker at last month’s meeting
couple with minimal parental interaction or attunement. Having
of Northern Virginia Parents of
the opportunity to raise twin sons has enabled me to appreciate
Multiples, offering advice on
the importance of attending to the burgeoning individuality of
that most tricky of subjects: how
to create separate identities for
DR. JOAN FRIEDMAN
twins, and how to plan for the
day they ultimately leave home
each twin. Parents’ efforts to form a secure attachment to each twin
contribute most significantly to the strengthening of the twin bond.

and embark on individual lives.

5. Why is it so difficult for adult twins to explore their frustrations
or other feelings about their twin?
She shared her insights on the special twin dynamic in the following
Adult twins often have exclusive and loving relationships because
Q&A: they are closer to one another than they are to their parents or other
siblings. While this may seem enviable, this degree of closeness
1. What is the “twin mystique”?
makes it quite difficult to break away and become more separate.

The twin mystique is an infatuation with twins as mysterious,
Twins feel a tremendous sense of shame, guilt and disloyalty about
inseparable and magical beings. In fact, twins can be lifelong friends,
having expectable longings to be more individuated and separate.

and they can fulfill many emotional needs for each other. But if they
Since adult twins were raised as a dyad; attempting to break away
are expected to fulfill the fantasy of being telepathic soul mates, they
from this connection and make room for others can be heart-
will not feel free to develop on their own.

wrenching and overwhelming.

2. Is being a twin detrimental to becoming and behaving like an
individual? 6. What can adult twins do to form their individuality while
maintaining a healthy, loving relationship with their twin?
Not in all cases. However, if twins are not treated as individuals and
It has been said that twins are born married into a relationship that
are rarely separated, they will not develop the emotional tools and
they did not choose. Adult twins need to be educated and reassured
skills to behave as well-integrated and self-reliant individuals.

that longing for a more separate life does not mean they don’t love
10 October 2016 washingtonFAMILY.com



their twin or that they are violating some unspoken tenet of the twin
connection. Many twins are simply too worried to create more space
between one another because they fear they are abandoning and
hurting the person they love most in the world.

7. Is competition healthy between adult twins?
Competition is built into the twin relationship. There are countless
stories about twins who spur one another on to excel in all
sorts of areas, such as sports, business and academia. However,
the competitive element can become unhealthy in adult twin
relationships when one twin cannot find a way to manage
the expectable feelings that arise in response to the siblings’
different situations. For example, if one twin is content in a job,
in a relationship or in a marriage while the other is struggling, it
becomes a formidable task for the content twin to enjoy herself
knowing that her twin is unhappy.

8. How common is it for twins to select friends and lovers that
remind them of the bond they share with their twin?
Often, people replicate their attachment patterns. Twins are
accustomed to having a significant other who understands
them intuitively without words. So when they are making adult
friendships, they expect instantaneous, all-knowing, exclusive
connections like they have with their twin. Oftentimes, they may
unconsciously find a partner whom they can relate to as they do
with their twin.

9. How can twins enter into different friendships and romantic
relationships as individuals and on their own terms?
problems in the twinship?
Twins can make healthier romantic attachments if they have had
communication has been established between the twins. If each is
ample opportunities to be separate from their twin and experience
able to hear and respect the other’s perspective, it will be easier to
life as a “singleton.” This means developing the resilience and
work through problems. However, if the twins feel that a difference
independence that come with coping with life’s events as a separate
of opinion cannot be tolerated or that it denotes an unwillingness to
person. be connected, it will be very challenging to be open and forthcoming
The resolution of problems will depend upon how well honest
about reaching solutions.

10. How can twins learn to make room for significant relationships
without alienating their twin?
13. Why is self-reflection so often difficult for a twin?
Twins need to be given permission and encouragement to live
Self-reflection is often difficult because it requires that you possess
on their own – to be “self-ish.” Parents must help their twins
prepare for adult life challenges, supporting both of them as they
journey through different life phases. This requires that parents be
supportive of the one who is struggling and joyful about the one
who is achieving success.

a consolidated sense of your individual self. Often, twins are either
unaware of or confused about what their own needs are because
they have lived their lives focused upon fulfilling the needs of a
twosome, not a single individual. It may take twins quite a while to
figure out what they need and an even longer time to feel entitled to
11. Is physically separating from or spending less time with your
twin the way to claim your self and independence?
For many twin pairs, a physical separation can help each one learn
fulfilling these needs. Twins have grave concerns about being unfair,
disloyal or punitive toward their twin sibling when their adult lives
diverge significantly.

how to be more independent and self-reliant. For others, physical
separateness does not significantly alter some of the psychological
dilemmas that have been created as a result of complicated twin
Scott McCaffrey is managing editor of Sun Gazette Newspapers,
dynamics. which, along with Washington FAMILY Magazine, is part of
12. What’s the best way to be honest with a sibling when there are
online community-news outlets.

the Northern Virginia Media Services family of print and
washingtonFAMILY.com October 2016 11