The Same but Different:
Raising Twins to Be
Self-Reliant Individuals
TEXT Scott McCaffrey
L ife can get complicated for twins, but they, and their
3. What are some of the common issues adult twins face?
parents, have an ally in Dr. Joan Friedman. A California
The common issues that adult twins face are related to their inability
psychotherapist – and both a twin herself and the mother of
to feel competent and masterful on their own. Often, they feel as if
twins – she works with families to meet the special needs of siblings
their “other half” has the skills and strengths they need in order to
who often can be seen as one person rather than two.

feel whole and integrated.

Dr. Friedman is the author of
4. You’re a twin and a mother of twins, and your professional work
focuses on the lives of twins. What is your experience like being
an adult twin? Did your own experience influence the way you’ve
raised your twins?
The Same But Different: How
Twins Can Live, Love and Learn
to Be Individuals and Emotionally
Being an identical twin as well as a mother of fraternal twins has
Healthy Twins: A New Philosophy
informed most, if not all, of my professional work as a twin expert.

for Parenting Two Unique Children.

My twin sister, Jane, and I have struggled with establishing our
She was the was the featured
own individual identities because we were raised primarily as a
speaker at last month’s meeting
couple with minimal parental interaction or attunement. Having
of Northern Virginia Parents of
the opportunity to raise twin sons has enabled me to appreciate
Multiples, offering advice on
the importance of attending to the burgeoning individuality of
that most tricky of subjects: how
to create separate identities for
DR. JOAN FRIEDMAN
twins, and how to plan for the
day they ultimately leave home
each twin. Parents’ efforts to form a secure attachment to each twin
contribute most significantly to the strengthening of the twin bond.

and embark on individual lives.

5. Why is it so difficult for adult twins to explore their frustrations
or other feelings about their twin?
She shared her insights on the special twin dynamic in the following
Adult twins often have exclusive and loving relationships because
Q&A: they are closer to one another than they are to their parents or other
siblings. While this may seem enviable, this degree of closeness
1. What is the “twin mystique”?
makes it quite difficult to break away and become more separate.

The twin mystique is an infatuation with twins as mysterious,
Twins feel a tremendous sense of shame, guilt and disloyalty about
inseparable and magical beings. In fact, twins can be lifelong friends,
having expectable longings to be more individuated and separate.

and they can fulfill many emotional needs for each other. But if they
Since adult twins were raised as a dyad; attempting to break away
are expected to fulfill the fantasy of being telepathic soul mates, they
from this connection and make room for others can be heart-
will not feel free to develop on their own.

wrenching and overwhelming.

2. Is being a twin detrimental to becoming and behaving like an
individual? 6. What can adult twins do to form their individuality while
maintaining a healthy, loving relationship with their twin?
Not in all cases. However, if twins are not treated as individuals and
It has been said that twins are born married into a relationship that
are rarely separated, they will not develop the emotional tools and
they did not choose. Adult twins need to be educated and reassured
skills to behave as well-integrated and self-reliant individuals.

that longing for a more separate life does not mean they don’t love
10 October 2016 washingtonFAMILY.com