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ll 10 October 2015 washingtonFAMILY.com
TEXT PHILIP BROWN



Bullying always involves more people than the bully and
disagreements, aggressive behavior and responses may
the victim.

appear similar to bullying. But there is an important
Bullying is a social phenomenon, and in order to stop
difference. In situations of conflict, both parties have a
it, everyone needs to be involved. In most bullying
degree of power, and there is a dispute over resources
incidents, studies show that four or more additional
or decisions; there is no intention to victimize a person
peers are present. 1 Some assist by joining in the
based on some characteristic such as their ethnicity
ridiculing or cheering on the bully from the sidelines,
or physical attributes. Also, for bullies, the reward is
and others encourage the bully by showing signs of
largely social – increased status, power, attention or
approval such as laughing or just watching and doing
revenge – not about an event or tangible reward. Kids
nothing. are still learning how to navigate the complex world of
friendships, which also leads to disagreements. Part of
1. What to do? Parents and teachers need to encourage
the growing-up process is learning how to solve these
kids to play an active part in their school community
problems. by providing opportunities to be positive role models
of good character, exemplifying the values that connect
3. What to do? Don’t assume every conflict requires
people rather than divide them. Service projects that
identifying a bully and a victim. Conflict is a natural
engage children across age levels and peer groups
part of being human, and conflict resolution is a skill
break down self-made barriers, create conditions to
children and adults need practice navigating with care
develop positive peer cultures and help kids become
and resourcefulness. Make sure your family and school
upstanders rather than bystanders when it comes to
teach and have learned basic conflict resolution skills.

bullying. To break bullying cycles or patterns, learn to talk
Adults should prevent bullying behaviors, not model them.

compassionately. Most parents and teachers don’t want their children
Picture this: One student with a speech impediment
or students to be victims of bullying. However, the
is being belittled, teased and often interrupted during
authority and power adults have and need to guide
his classwork. To address this pattern, his classroom
and protect can also be used destructively. Correcting
teacher facilitates an intentional conversation designed
bad behavior is necessary, but putting kids down,
to both break the pattern and help the children
indicating they are bad kids or mocking their failings
involved understand the impact of their behavior. In
is bullying behavior that children pick up on and may
talking about being mean, the teacher also engages and
learn to use on others.

reinforces the natural sense of empathy with which
we are all born, but we all have to learn about and
2. What to do? Correct the behavior, not the whole
practice by being compassionate with different people
child. There is a big difference between, “You didn’t do
in different contexts.

your homework, and we’ve talked about that before.

What happened?” and, “You don’t listen to me! What
4. What to do? Compassionate communication helps in
kind of a student do you think you are?”
navigating interpersonal relationships. But if bullying
behavior persists, intervention is called for. The victim
Bullying and conflict are not the same thing.

will need specific support, and the perpetrator will
Conflict inevitably happens between people trying to
require specific consequences.

get their needs met, and this can result in disagreement
and hurt feelings. When people have strong
1. O’Connell, Pepler & Craig. Peer involvement in bullying: Insights and challenges for
intervention. Journal of Adolescence. 1999 (22), p. 437-452.

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