PARENTING A
Perfectionist CHILD
BY ANN DOLIN
With the heightened pressure on kids
to perform well academically in the
D.C. area, it is no surprise that this
behavior is becoming increasingly
common. To provide more insight
about perfectionism and what parents
can do about it, we interviewed Dr.

Sarah Berger, a perfectionist psychology
associate from the Center for Cognitive
Therapy and Assessment in Falls
Church, VA. Read on to get her advice.

14 November 2018 washingtonFAMILY.com
Q&A WITH DR. SARAH BERGER
Q. LET’S SAY A PARENT HAS
A SEVENTH-GRADER WHO
Q. WHAT CAUSES
CONSTANTLY REWRITES AN ESSAY
PERFECTIONISM? SHE’S BEEN ASSIGNED. HOW
ARE KIDS BORN WITH IT OR IS IT
SHOULD THE PARENT HANDLE
A PRODUCT OF PARENTING?
THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR WHEN
A. It’s a mix of both. We don’t know
for certain exactly what causes it,
but research does show that it can be
genetic as well as the environment. But
the environment isn’t just the home; it
can be the school as well.

THE CHILD NEVER THINKS HER
WRITING IS GOOD ENOUGH?
A. The main thing a parent can do
is to be empathic, but also provide
limits. For example, the parent may
say, “I know this is hard for you.

Instead of six drafts like last time, how
about getting it done in four drafts?”
Cutting down on the behavior, even
just slightly at first, is helpful. Later
on, you can cut down to maybe two
or three drafts, but take it slow. It’s
also OK to put a time limit on work
in the evening so that your child isn’t
working into all hours of the night.

BRAIN: ISTOCK / GETTY IMAGES PLUS/RAWPIXEL; GIRL: ISTOCK / GETTY IMAGES PLUS/KWANCHAICHAIUDOM
D oes your child erase and redo
homework over and over again
until it’s just right? Is anything less than
100 percent not good enough? Welcome
to the world of perfectionism, where
unrealistic expectations are daily and
unrelenting. Perfectionists engage in
frequent hypercritical self-talk, bringing
themselves down and creating a whole
lot of stress within the family.




If your child is pushing back and is
insisting on perfecting the homework,
ask questions like, “What have you
done in the past that has helped
you get it done? How can you move
forward?” Students don’t realize that
they are hearing a “worry brain”
talking, not a “smart brain.”
Q. WHAT IS A “WORRY BRAIN”
VERSUS A “SMART BRAIN?”
A. The worry brain is the brain
that focuses on the “what ifs” and
constantly thinks of the worst-case
scenario, such as getting an F or
the teacher not liking the project or
homework. It becomes a negative
cycle. The smart brain asks, “What can
we do about this?” The smart brain
is the problem solver and doesn’t get
wrapped up in the cycle of negativity.

AN ASSIGNMENT THAT’S NOT
PERFECTLY DONE?”
A. Absolutely! Some of that is learning
to live with uncertainty, which is
part of life. We also want them to see
what it feels like to not get an A. It’s
called exposure therapy. We have
them do it for homework, but we also
practice it in session. Although we
can’t practice it exactly how it will be
in the classroom, we can model it to
some degree. For example, I might
say, “I know reading perfectly aloud is
important to you. This time, I want you
to read aloud and make mistakes and
then let’s sit for a moment and see how
that feels.” This type of exposure is
something that we encourage parents
to practice with their child as well.

Q. CAN PERFECTIONISM EVER BE
FIXED OR IS IT TYPICALLY A
15 minutes, and then I’ll answer any
questions you might have.” Set a very
reasonable and realistic goal that the
child can obtain.

Q. HOW DOES A PARENT KNOW IF
THIS BEHAVIOR IS JUST GARDEN-
VARIETY OR A REAL ISSUE THAT
REQUIRES OUTSIDE ASSISTANCE?
A. There are two key indicators. One is
whether the behavior is interfering with
day-to-day functioning. Is the stress level
so high that daily tasks are impacted? If
so, that’s a sign. And this stress doesn’t
have to be just with the child, it can
be the family, too. If families are on
the fence, they have to ask themselves
whether this is a priority, because it
will not get better without intervention.

Sometimes, parents will say, “This isn’t
a priority now, but we’ll keep an eye on
it.” And that’s OK, too.

LIFE-LONG PROBLEM, TO SOME
Q. HOW CAN THERAPY HELP?
A. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
stems from the idea that thoughts,
behaviors and feelings all interact
and feed on each other. So, in the
case of a child with perfectionism, the
student is thinking, “I can’t do this”
or “I’m going to fail.” Those kinds of
thoughts perpetuate the anxiety and
make the behaviors worse. In therapy,
we meet the student at the level of
those thoughts and we challenge the
thoughts. So the language becomes
“I’m going to work on this for 30
minutes and see where I’m at,” which
is far different than “I can’t do this well
enough.” Kids need parents to help
them set those limits. At the 30-minute
point, a parent can check in to see how
it is going.

DEGREE? Q. WHAT RESOURCES DO YOU
A. People have tendencies towards
RECOMMEND FOR PARENTS?
perfectionism. However, it can
absolutely be modified. The issue is
how much it affects day-to-day life.

Sometimes the student doesn’t see
the impact, but the parents do. When
a child is doing hours upon hours of
homework, it is a problem. The parent
has a right to say, “This is interfering
with our lives and we’re going to do
something about it as a family.” Parents
have the right and responsibility to help
their child learn differently.

A. One of my favorite websites is
Q. ONE ISSUE THAT IS OFTEN
SEEN IN TUTORING IS AVOIDANCE.

SOMETIMES, KIDS ARE SO AFRAID
OF MESSING UP THAT THEY
WON’T EVEN START IN THE FIRST
Q. IT SEEMS LIKE KIDS ARE OFTEN
SO SCARED OF THE “WHAT IFS”
THAT THEY WORK THEIR FINGERS
TO THE BONE IN ORDER TO MAKE
THE ASSIGNMENT PERFECT. IS
THERE EVER A TIME WHEN YOU,
AS A THERAPIST, SAY, “LET’S SEE
WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO TURN IN
PLACE. CAN YOU TALK ABOUT
THIS AVOIDANCE MECHANISM?
A. Avoidance looks like laziness, but it
is not laziness. Kids are afraid to get
started and just try the work. When
they’re feeling very anxious, they
won’t even begin the task. Here, the
parent can say, “I want you to work for
worrywisekids.org. It’s not specific to
perfectionism, but is a great resource
for dealing with anxiety. Dr. Tamar
Chansky and her group run the site,
and she is also the one who uses the
term “worry brain.”
With perfectionist children, the goal is
to change their mindset. As Dr. Berger
suggested, there are many helpful
strategies and practices you can use to
help your child with perfectionism. But
if your child’s symptoms are severely
interfering with homework completion
on a regular basis, don’t be afraid to
consider seeking therapy. A good
therapist can tackle the “all-or-nothing”
thinking that hampers your child.

Ann Dolin is the founder and president
of Educational Connections Tutoring,
serving Northern VA, D.C., and MD. She
and her tutors travel to students’ homes
to help them improve their confidence
and grades through 1-to-1 tutoring and
organization/time management coaching.

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