MY TURN
Never the Right Numbers
BY PATRICIA VELKOFF
W hat is lost when young peo-
ple become too focused on
numeric feedback? Here in
Northern Virginia, a number of the
high school students I talk with are fix-
ated on having the “right numbers.”
To hear them tell it, parents and
teachers are all unhappy with them.

Their GPA is not high enough. Their
SAT and ACT scores have not improved
enough. Their list of extracurriculars is
not extensive enough… and on and on.

It’s one thing to hear this from
students who believe that it’s going
to turn out OK. It’s quite another to
hear it from those who are convinced
they’ve failed at life already. That’s the
group that concerns me most deeply.

With rare exception, these young
people are smart, courteous and
perceptive. They have loving families
and friends, and they’ve steered clear
of the serious problems that can derail
a promising trajectory.

They’ve internalized a message,
though, that leaves many of them
feeling inadequate, powerless and
defeated. I am troubled by their self-
talk, which can often be translated into
thoughts such as:
• Someone is good enough, but it’s
not me.

• There’s a “success checklist,” and it’s
too late for me to check the
right boxes.

• College is only the next ruthless
competition; an endless series of
grueling trials stretch into my
future. At best, some respond by finding a
balance. They use their time badly but then
get their work done eventually and with
reasonable quality. Over time, they start
caring about college and next steps.

At worst, they feel overwhelmed,
burdened, exhausted and unsuccessful.

They avoid their families and themselves,
squandering enormous amounts of time.

Some are high achievers; others are not. In
both cases, though, there is despair about a
system that feels designed to keep moving
32 Washington FAMILY
MARCH 2023
the goal post just beyond where it used
to be so that they are perpetually doomed
to fail.

Do scores matter? Of course they do. But
several serious difficulties come with a focus
on test scores and GPAs:
1. Numbers fail to measure many
characteristics and skills needed for life –
things like social give-and-take, honor and
integrity, setting and meeting personal
goals and humility when we have made
a mistake.

2. Research shows that a steady stream
of external evaluations can diminish
internal motivation.

3. For some students, test scores are
entirely inappropriate measures of their
capabilities and potential.

4. When young people internalize the
notion that their worth is determined
exclusively by others, they may struggle to
develop necessary confidence in internal
standards for success.

5. Numeric evaluations do not give
young people the values and vision
that connect them to participation in
a world that is larger than themselves.

If we reflect deeply and thoughtfully,
the purchasing power of those numbers
does not fully set our children up for the
quality of life that we want for them.

Nor do those credentials necessarily
signal that they are self-motivated,
courageous in the face of challenges,
able to work cooperatively with others
or have what it takes to enjoy full,
engaged and flourishing lives.

As a parent and a therapist, I
have certainly modeled for my own
children the value of education and
professional achievement. I hope that I
have imparted more than that, though.

I hope my kids have learned that
friendships are rewarding, that hobbies
matter and that a commitment to
ideals and to personal goals can bring
rewards that no “right numbers” can
provide. I hope they know that there
are multiple paths to success, some of
which have little or nothing to do with
external evaluations, and that growing
up includes fostering relationships and
engaging meaningfully with the community
just as much as it includes finding
satisfying work.

We have an interesting juggling act as
parents, guiding our children to understand
and meet demands from the outside world
while helping them avoid temptations that
can derail them. By recalling where we have
found our own deepest personal fulfillment,
we may remember to foster passion,
connections, laughter and love alongside
the more clear-cut accomplishments
gained through measurable academic and
work achievements. Those areas of love
and laughter don’t have “right numbers,”
but they keep our hearts open and our
minds alive, things that matter a lot
over time. n
Dr. Velkoff is a clinical psychologist in Vienna,
Virginia who works with children, adolescents,
couples and families. patricia-velkoff.com



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