well thought-out natural consequences helps kids
3. LOWER YOUR VOICE: When voices are raised, kids shut
their ears. When you whisper, their ears open up (even if
learn important real-world lessons. Doing this with
they don’t want to hear what you’re saying).

respect takes practice, but it makes all the diff erence
in the world.

• When things are loud, people (kids included) cover
and protect their ears. This reaction is even stronger
• go-to person, a trusted source of guidance
(such as a parental request to clean up, get up or get
and support, and an emotional safety net as
going in a new direction).

they practice coping on their own. Showing
kindness and respect—even as you parent through
• When a message is presented quietly, people (again,
the challenging times—sets the stage for a life-long
kids included) lean in to hear what’s being said. Not
connection that will last far longer than any day-to-
only that, but their eyes widen and they begin to
day squabble.

devote a lot of eff ort and energy to hearing what’s
being said.

• When you’re tempted to raise your voice, try this
new approach:
• Have a clear message prepared (short and
5. GIVE YOUR VOTE OF CONFIDENCE: Let your child know
that you trust him or her to follow through (even if you’re
not necessarily convinced yet).

• sweet);
• Have your child in view; then
You can turn this fact of life into a powerful
• QUIETLY present your request.

parenting tool simply by stating that you trust
your child will do what you asked. This creates
a huge incentive because it’s no longer just about
well-intentioned “please” will go a long way. Plus, you’re
‘take the garbage out,’ ‘do your homework,’ ‘brush
modeling the good manners you want your kids to use.

your teeth,’ or ‘keep your hands off your brother’...

it’s about ‘mom or dad is trusting me to follow
Why is this important? Because you are always
through.’ in the spotlight (no matt er how old your child is,
and even when it seems like they are ignoring you).

Saying please and communicating with kindness is
important because your child learns far more from
copying what you do than anything else. If you
want the respect that you deserve as a parent, set
the bar high and dish out that same level of respect
when you speak to your child.

• Kids know things are better when parents are
happy (as opposed to upset and disappointed).

4. SAY PLEASE: Keep in mind, kindness matters, and a
• In the long run, you want to be your child’s
if the loud thing is perceived as being unpleasant
Does it really help? Yes! A single, well intentioned
“please” will go a long way in opening your child’s
ears and gett ing your message across. The follow-
up “thank you” when they do what you’ve asked
is an added bonus. These small eff orts will set you
and your child up for success and keep everyone
• Case in point: You say, “Please do your
homework.” If your child does not follow through,
they just didn’t do their homework. You say, “Please
do your homework. I’m trusting you to make a wise
choice.” If your child does not follow through, they
didn’t do the homework AND they broke your trust.

At the end of the day, your child is probably much more
invested in maintaining your trust than actually doing
many of the things you’ll ask. So, start to communicate that
you trust your child to follow through, choose wisely and
make things happen. In no time you’ll notice more listening
and less push-back.

focused on the goal.

• 12
March 2017
Can I be polite without being a push-over?
Stephanie O’Leary, Psy.D. is a clinical psychologist specializing
Absolutely! This is a skill every parent needs to
in neuropsychology, and a mom of two. She provides parents
practice, because being polite, kind and respectful
with a no-nonsense approach to navigating the daily grind while
has nothing to do with being a push-over. Sett ing
preparing their child for the challenges they’ll face in the real
limits and boundaries is important, and delivering
world. Visit stephanieoleary.com.

washingtonFAMILY.com