My first thought after being told I had
cancer: “What about my kids?”
So many questions rushed through my
mind. Who would give them the guidance
that only a mother can give? Who would
make sure that they were raised exactly
how my husband and I—as a team—had
planned? A few weeks later, after I had wrapped
my head around the diagnosis, my thoughts
turned to a more practical question: “How
will I tell my kids that I have cancer?”
At the time, I had an 8-year-old and
twin 6-year-olds who quickly sensed
something was wrong. I wanted them
to understand that things were going to
have to change, but I also didn’t want to
scare them.

I tried to imagine what each child’s
reaction would be. I worried about my
introverted daughter and how difficult it
might be for her to share her fears. And
I had no idea how her twin—one year
after his diagnosis of autism—would han-
dle the inevitable change in routine that
lay ahead. Most of all, I worried about my
twice-exceptional oldest child, who, in
third grade, had an understanding of the
world well beyond his years.

So, I turned to my community for some
guidance, starting with the counselor at
my children’s school.

When to tell your kids
A conversation about a sick parent starts
with honesty, says Rebecca Kotok, the
school counselor at Fallsmead Elementary
School in Rockville. She explains that
children are quick to notice mommy’s
increased doctor’s appointments or par-
ents whispering around the house.

“It is important to remember that kids
are intuitive and pick up on our emotions
more than we may realize,” Kotok says.

“Often parents delay telling kids hard
news only to find that the kids already
knew that something was going
on and were feeling scared and
anxious.” However, Elise Abromson,
a psychologist at the
Healing Circles Wellness
Center in Frederick,
FatCamera/E+/Getty Images.

When Mommy
is Sick
How to talk with
your children about
a serious illness
By Jacqueline Renfrow
warns that parents should wait until they
have enough information and a treatment
plan in place in order to avoid too many
“I don’t know” answers.

When you are ready to open a dialogue
with your children, Kotok recommends
starting the dialogue when the kids are
fed and comfortable, perhaps on a week-
end morning when the day is not rushed.

Choose a time when you will be available
after the conversation in case they have
follow-up questions.

The initial talk could even be held
during a fun, low-key family activity, she
says. Just make sure it is a “screen free”
environment so that everyone is pay-
ing attention. And tell siblings as a group
because there is value in hearing the
questions that the other children ask.

What to say
Open the conversation by revealing that
you have important and difficult news to
share with them, then try to put the news
in context. For example: “Remember
when Mommy went to the doctor last
week, so Grandma had to pick you up
from school?”
Of course, the conversation will vary
depending on the age of your children, as
the information you provide teenagers
can be more specific than what you give
little kids.

“You would rather they [teenagers]
hear those details from you than seek
them out and get incorrect information
that can cause more stress or anxiety,”
says Abromson. “With a younger child, I
would be more general and let him know
that it is a sickness and that it will be
treated with medicine to help make it
better.” But in both cases, paint a picture
of what the illness will look like, whether
that means less energy for playing, hair
loss, etc.

Moreover, don’t be afraid to show emo-
tions during this discussion.

“I believe that it benefits kids to see
us model healthy and appropriate emo-
tions,” says Kotok. “You can name the
discomfort, ‘I wonder if it feels scary to
see mommy cry?’ and acknowledge that
it is hard to see their parent cry but that
crying is OK when we feel sad or scared.”
Again, always be honest. Do not prom-
ise that the parent will be 100 percent
better if you are not sure of the medical
outcome, advises Kotok. And if your child
asks a question that you can’t answer,
assure them that you will follow up with
the doctor and get the information in the
next day or so.

“Do not feel like you have to respond
or solve everything that your kids ask.

Listen, validate and comfort,” she says.

How to move forward
The conversation doesn’t end after
you explain the medical diagnosis in an
age-appropriate manner. Keep the lines of
communication open and follow up with
each child individually, frequently, to hear
their thoughts and fears, says Abromson.

As kids thrive on consistency and a
plan, Kotok recommends creating visu-
als that show who will pick them up from
school, give them a bath and put them to
bed every night. Also, consider having the
children make a stop sign for the sick par-
ent’s room. Put a green light on one side
of the sign and a red light on the other
side so that they’ll know when it is okay
to visit and when the parent is resting.

Finally, consider asking for and accept-
ing help from your friends, family,
spiritual community, bus stop parents,
school PTA, etc.

“Take this opportunity to demonstrate
to your kids the power of community,”
says Kotok. “Activate your village. You
cannot do this alone.” n
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