LAST WORD
Engaging Our Kids
Outside the Home
S There are
plenty of
life-changing ways to occupy
your children
over the
summer besides
sending them
to camp, and
ample evidence
that these
experiences are deeply
formative. ummer is greeting us with her cheerful
grin, but parents who couldn’t come up
for the air needed to plan for her grand
entrance are not doing a happy dance. It looms
instead like an epic black hole, begging for defini-
tion. Camp registration deadlines came and went
a long time ago, but maybe, your kids aren’t keen
on camp, anyway. You don’t want summer to be
a chore for you or your kids. So, what’s a good
parent to do?
There are plenty of life-changing ways to
occupy your children over the summer besides
sending them to camp, and ample evidence that
these experiences are deeply formative. In my
case, an older friend needed help weeding her
flower garden and asked if my 12-year-old daugh-
ter (who wasn’t a camp-loving girl) wanted to
earn some cash. In fact, she did, and though it
was a hot, humid undertaking, my daughter was
glad she said yes. Weeding side-by-side, the two
bonded over their love of fiction and started
their own book club, reading “Ruby Holler” and
“Number the Stars.” My daughter grew from that
summer, on her knees beside my dear old friend,
picking weeds and talking books.

What is monumental in the lives of our kids
is often the stuff that lies outside the home —
those situations in the non-shared environment,
which build the strong life-altering moments
affecting our kids’ futures. It’s hard to swallow,
isn’t it? While the steady environment of the
home isn’t to be diminished, the experiences
outside the home like camp, service-programs,
sleepovers, church trips or part-time jobs offer
disproportionate benefits for kids.

In the International Journal of Epidemiology
article, “Why Are Children in the Same Family So
Different from One Another?” researchers explain
that it is precisely experiences away from home
and immediate family that distinguish a child
from siblings. The “environmental variance” is
the framework for the magical making of a unique
person. Licensed counselor and founder of Bright
Future Consulting, Dr. Beth Dennard said that
spending a summer at her aunt’s farm in Florida
was one formative non-shared experience she
benefited greatly from as a child. “Non-shared
environments are tough on parents and kids, but
they are necessary for students to individuate and
become adults,” Dennard says. Tough is univer-
sally appreciated, but perhaps the necessary is
worth revisiting.

46 WashingtonFAMILY JUNE 2019
Dr. Laura Markham of AhaParenting.com says
confidence is one major reward that comes from
these cumulative non-shared experiences. “I
think kids discover new capabilities when they are
in new environments that ask them to engage in
new ways and gain confidence from those expe-
riences,” Markham says. Exposure to experiences
sans immediate family is critical for development.

“During adolescence, there is a shift from focus-
ing the majority of a child’s attention on parents
and home to focusing on peers and life outside the
home,” Dennard explains.

It’s one thing to accept in theory, but in prac-
tice, this can be a terrifying transition for parents.

“More learning occurs when human beings
stretch, not when they’re cozy,” Dennard says. She
points out that an easy example of this is when
teens start driving. Once a teen passes their driv-
er’s test, they occupy a non-shared environment.

Dennard continues, “Many parents freak out
when they even think about their kids driving.”
Traffic is bad, the risks are high, but she says driv-
ing independently is a step toward adulthood. “In
real life,” Dennard reminds, “there are seat belts
and air bags for safety but each adult person must
accept the responsibility and assume the risks to
drive and ultimately, they do the same as they
leave home to live independently.”
The potential for our blossoming child’s view
of the world to expand and take shape under the
watchful eyes of trusted adults is another com-
pelling reason to get our kids engaged outside
our homes. Markham says that having someone
outside the family depend on them helps a young
person see himself in a new light. “Often, kids
discover that they’re good at something they
hadn’t seen as valuable, or find deep emotional
rewards in a connection they would never have
made otherwise. At the very least, they learn
something about how the world works outside
their home.”
To parents who failed to meet camp deadlines,
can’t afford typical structured summer program-
ming or whose child rebels against all of the
above, Markham confirms that there are endless
other avenues to enrich kids over the summer to
help them “become more independent, capable
and responsible.” By welcoming opportunities
for our young people to expand out of our eye-
shot, we help them sort out their identity. In
short, we help them on their journey toward
happy, well-adjusted adulthood. ■
ISTOCK/GETTY IMAGES PLUS/MYPURGATORYYEARS
BY KATHRYN STREETER



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