HEALTHY FAMILY
All the Feels
30 WashingtonFAMILY JANUARY 2021
W BY JAN PIERCE, M.ED.

e’ve all been there. Your
3-year-old has a meltdown
in the middle of the grocery
check-out line or you become beyond
exasperated when your eldest
clobbers your youngest
for no apparent reason.

Feelings. They
push us to our
limits. They’re big
and, at times, seem
to come out of
nowhere. We have
difficulty managing
our own emotions, so
it’s easy to understand when our children
have the same problem.

Explore some strategies to help your
children first identify their feelings
and learn to manage them in
acceptable ways.

Name the
emotions It can be hard for young
children to understand
what happens when
they explode with
emotions. They may
not have the language to
FACES: PROSTOCK-STUDIO; SOPHIE WALSTER, MELODY A/ISTOCK/GETTY IMAGES PLUS
Wise parents create
teachable moments
throughout the
day. They notice
behaviors and give
praise when good
things happen.

Helping Children Identify and
Manage Their Emotions



identify a feeling; they only know it’s big
and has overcome them. It’s helpful to
clearly name feelings as they arise in daily
life. You can say, “I see that it makes you
angry when your brother knocks down
your block tower.”
Another strategy you can use is to find
a simple feeling chart with visuals to help
children when they are feeling
happy, excited, sad or angry. (Take a look
online to find a free printable chart.) Then
you can periodically ask, “How are you
feeling? Show me on the chart.”
Model expressing
your feelings appropriately
Make it a habit to tell your children
how you’re feeling. Model
appropriate ways to
say you’re upset or
frustrated. You might
say, “I’m feeling sad
that it’s time to go
to school and you
aren’t ready yet.”
Or, “It makes me
very happy when you
eat all your breakfast.”
When everyone
has had a bad day, you
can own your part in the
problem: “Mommy got very
frustrated today and became angry. I’m
sorry I raised my voice to you. Let’s have
a better day tomorrow.” Children will
be quick to forgive when you’re honest
about your less-than-perfect day. They’ll
learn that managing our emotions is a
human problem.

Replay a situation
Sometimes it helps to replay a situation
that went wrong to untangle and name the
emotions involved. For instance, “It was
time to brush teeth, but you didn’t come
when I asked you to. Then we both lost our
tempers.” Or, “When Julie took your toy,
you became angry and you hit her. In our
house we don’t hit, so what else could you
have done?”
You can also take the opportunity to
play back a situation you’ve observed when
out in public. You might say, “Did you see
what happened when that little boy cried
at the park today? He wanted a turn on
the slide, but the bigger boy wouldn’t let
him. How do you think the little boy was
feeling?” At that point you may have to
help your child identify feelings such
as angry, frustrated or scared.

Then you can ask, “What
could that little boy
have done besides cry?
Could he have asked
a grown-up for help?
Waited longer for a
turn? Gone to play
on another piece of
equipment?” Use simple cues
Some parents find that
using simple cues such as “take
a breath” or “slow down” help a child
to self-manage strong emotions. This may
take some role-playing to master before the
child is able to actually apply the strategy
in the midst of a tough situation.

Your child may learn to take a self-
imposed time-out to gain composure
and cope with a challenging situation. A
soothing activity such as water play
can help them to destress and become
calm again.

Ultimately you want to
understand what caused
any given emotion.

What is your child
feeling and what
does he need? Is
she overtired and
merely needs a nap
or is there an ongoing
frustration that needs
to be addressed? “You’re
feeling like your older
brother gets all the fun activities. What can
we plan especially for you?”
Be proactive
Wise parents create teachable moments
throughout the day. They notice behaviors
and give praise when good things happen.

They verbalize their own feelings to help
their children understand the wide range of
feelings that we humans experience. They
might say, “Wow, you really showed a lot
of patience with Robby today when he said
mean words.” Or, “I’m so excited that you
have your ball game after school. I can’t
wait to watch you play.”
You can also use read-aloud times to
notice the emotions shown by characters in
your favorite books. “Hmm, I wonder
how Cinderella was feeling when the step-
sisters wouldn’t let her go to the ball.”
Make it a family practice to show
kindness to others and to serve in practical
ways. “Let’s take some cookies over to Mrs.

Adams. She gets lonely sometimes.” Or
model being grateful: “I am so thankful for
our home. We have a nice place to live and
be a family.”
Managing our emotions is a big task and
isn’t learned in a day. It takes practice to
identify the feelings that are inside and
lots of opportunities to make good
decisions as we express them.

Parents, you have the
chance to make your home
and family life a training-
ground for raising kind,
compassionate children
who care about others
and who can own their
feelings in positive ways.

You can help your kids with
“all the feels.” T
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