We adults have these moments, too.

Moments where we make impulsive deci-
sions we later regret, decisions fueled by
emotions instead of logic.

This is not an easy to thing to admit,
but yelling is my go-to response when I’m
feeling panicked or angry, when adrenaline
floods my body like it did that morning on
our way to school. It took a huge effort on
my part not to scream at the other driver,
and even my own daughters, as the stress
hormones raced through my body.

My parenting approach changed when
I began to view my children’s tantrums as
physical responses to big emotions. Even
if the tantrums themselves are absurd and
abrasive, like the time I wouldn’t let my
toddler stick a fork in the electrical outlet,
children need to be calm before they can
process and learn. And I need be calm before
I respond.

Recently, while my 6 year old and I were
listening to music as we baked cookies, I
made a casual comment about the song’s lyr-
ics: “It’s ‘moves like Jagger,’ not ‘moves like a
jaguar!’” I wasn’t expecting her to meltdown
over something so silly, but my daughter was
outraged. When she called me a name and
knocked over a chair, I found myself quickly
rising to her emotional level.

How dare she treat me this way?
I was ready to yell and send her to her
room. Then I remembered that yelling and
taking away privileges never actually deesca-
lates an emotional situation or redirects my
kids into compliance.

So I took a step back and breathed deeply.

There would be time to discuss respect and
rules later. Right then, it was my job to help
her calm herself. I apologized for raising my
voice and knelt down with my arms open.

She immediately came over and sunk into
me, her small body shaking.

I sang the lyrics her way. She laughed.

We talked about funny songs. And after a
few minutes, we talked about acceptable
behavior when we disagree with others.

A mother-daughter lesson learned. T
Hannah Grieco is a parent advocate and
writer in Arlington, VA. She can be found
online at www.hgrieco.com.

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