HEALTHY FAMILY
Reframing Your
Child’s Tantrums
How one local mom
learned to stay calm
when tempers are flaring
“My parenting
approach changed
when I began to
view my children’s
tantrums as
physical responses
to big emotions.”
40 Washington FAMILY JANUARY 2020
“I’M NOT GOING TO SCHOOL!” my 6-year-old screamed,
running upstairs and slamming her door. The cause of her melt-
down? I asked her to clean up her dolls before we left for school.

I was already guilty of yelling that morning, too. Both of my
daughters had argued almost continuously since their pre-6 a.m.

wakeups, and my 9-year-old daughter erupted like a volcano
because of a forgotten homework assignment. When her cereal
went flying (one more thing for me to clean up), I exploded
in anger.

Eventually, I managed to settle everyone down and get us all in
the car. But on the way to school, an SUV in the next lane abruptly
swerved into our lane, its front bumper aimed at me and my older
daughter in the seat behind me. I slammed on the brakes and
honked, and the driver braked and skidded, stopping less than
an inch from us. The entire street of traffic stopped, too, as if an
actual accident had taken place.

My 9 year old screamed. Her little sister, strapped in a booster
seat next to her, began to wail. I moaned as adrenaline rushed
through my body, cramping my muscles and flooding me with
nausea. The other driver got out of her car and crouched down in
the street, her hands over her face in shock. I sat paralyzed, not
injured but overwhelmed by the experience.

It took several minutes for me to snap out of it and restart the car,
wave in acknowledgment of the other driver and continue driving.

“Mom, what...”
“I’m sorry. I need a minute.”
When my breathing regulated and my muscles loosened, I tried
to alleviate my daughters’ concern and confusion. We began to
talk about how accidents happen and how our bodies and brains
respond when we’re scared.

As we spoke, it hit me: The adrenaline rush, increased heart-
rate and upset stomach I felt must be how my children feel when
they’re in the midst of a tantrum. And just as I couldn’t respond
to them after the near-accident while I was experiencing such
intense emotions, they aren’t able to process what I’m saying to
them while they’re melting down.

That’s why therapists advise against arguing with or lectur-
ing a child during a tantrum. Meltdowns are caused by overload,
explains Laura Baker, a clinical psychologist from Fairfax, VA, and
the mother of two boys. When her sons start to lose it, Baker
stops talking. She stays present but doesn’t make any demands.

Once they’re ready to talk, she asks them what they need.

“They may not know what they really need, but it’s a way of
helping them think,” she says.

ISTOCK/GETTY IMAGES PLUS/MOFLES
BY HANNAH GRIECO



We adults have these moments, too.

Moments where we make impulsive deci-
sions we later regret, decisions fueled by
emotions instead of logic.

This is not an easy to thing to admit,
but yelling is my go-to response when I’m
feeling panicked or angry, when adrenaline
floods my body like it did that morning on
our way to school. It took a huge effort on
my part not to scream at the other driver,
and even my own daughters, as the stress
hormones raced through my body.

My parenting approach changed when
I began to view my children’s tantrums as
physical responses to big emotions. Even
if the tantrums themselves are absurd and
abrasive, like the time I wouldn’t let my
toddler stick a fork in the electrical outlet,
children need to be calm before they can
process and learn. And I need be calm before
I respond.

Recently, while my 6 year old and I were
listening to music as we baked cookies, I
made a casual comment about the song’s lyr-
ics: “It’s ‘moves like Jagger,’ not ‘moves like a
jaguar!’” I wasn’t expecting her to meltdown
over something so silly, but my daughter was
outraged. When she called me a name and
knocked over a chair, I found myself quickly
rising to her emotional level.

How dare she treat me this way?
I was ready to yell and send her to her
room. Then I remembered that yelling and
taking away privileges never actually deesca-
lates an emotional situation or redirects my
kids into compliance.

So I took a step back and breathed deeply.

There would be time to discuss respect and
rules later. Right then, it was my job to help
her calm herself. I apologized for raising my
voice and knelt down with my arms open.

She immediately came over and sunk into
me, her small body shaking.

I sang the lyrics her way. She laughed.

We talked about funny songs. And after a
few minutes, we talked about acceptable
behavior when we disagree with others.

A mother-daughter lesson learned. T
Hannah Grieco is a parent advocate and
writer in Arlington, VA. She can be found
online at www.hgrieco.com.

Healthy Smile...

Healthy Child
SAVE THE DATE!
Join Us For a Day of Family Fun!
• Raff les and prizes • Family-fun activities
• Exhibitors from all over the DMV • Giveaways
pediatric dental care
John Han, DDS
Pediatric Dentist
Fernanda Fontes, DDS
Pediatric Dentist
Jenny Ha, DDS
Pediatric Dentist
Harold Fleming, DDS
Orthodontist 2020
ISTOCK/GETTY IMAGES PLUS/KAZOKA30
HEALTHY FAMILY
Northern Virginia:
Sunday, January 19, 2020
Noon-4pm • Fair Oaks Mall
Register: WFCampFair2020NOVA.eventbrite.com
Maryland: Sunday, February 9, 2020
Noon-4pm Westfield Montgomery Mall
Register: WFCampFair2020MD.eventbrite.com
Contact your account executive to become an exhibitor
Contact advertising@washingtonfamily.com or
call 301-230-2222, ext. 4
Dr. Han voted one of the
Top Dentists in Northern VA
Magazine & VA Living Magazine.

• •
• •
• •
• •
• •
• •
Sedations Laughing Gas/Nitrous Oxide
Emergency Care
Digital X-ray & Technology
Free Orthodontic Consultation
Sealants White Fillings
School Exams
Kid PDC
s C
Fluoride Treatment
Firs ome
Early Orthodontics
t Cleanings
Check up exams
* No Referrals Required
Accepting all major insurances
and Smiles for Children
www.mypdcdentists.com Pediatric Dental Care
Fairfax office:
9901 Fairfax Boulevard,
Fairfax, VA 22030.

Springfield office:
6120 Brandon Ave. Suite 114,
Springfield, VA 22150
WashingtonFAMILY.com 41