HEALTHY FAMILY
Reframing Your
Child’s Tantrums
How one local mom
learned to stay calm
when tempers are flaring
“My parenting
approach changed
when I began to
view my children’s
tantrums as
physical responses
to big emotions.”
40 Washington FAMILY JANUARY 2020
“I’M NOT GOING TO SCHOOL!” my 6-year-old screamed,
running upstairs and slamming her door. The cause of her melt-
down? I asked her to clean up her dolls before we left for school.

I was already guilty of yelling that morning, too. Both of my
daughters had argued almost continuously since their pre-6 a.m.

wakeups, and my 9-year-old daughter erupted like a volcano
because of a forgotten homework assignment. When her cereal
went flying (one more thing for me to clean up), I exploded
in anger.

Eventually, I managed to settle everyone down and get us all in
the car. But on the way to school, an SUV in the next lane abruptly
swerved into our lane, its front bumper aimed at me and my older
daughter in the seat behind me. I slammed on the brakes and
honked, and the driver braked and skidded, stopping less than
an inch from us. The entire street of traffic stopped, too, as if an
actual accident had taken place.

My 9 year old screamed. Her little sister, strapped in a booster
seat next to her, began to wail. I moaned as adrenaline rushed
through my body, cramping my muscles and flooding me with
nausea. The other driver got out of her car and crouched down in
the street, her hands over her face in shock. I sat paralyzed, not
injured but overwhelmed by the experience.

It took several minutes for me to snap out of it and restart the car,
wave in acknowledgment of the other driver and continue driving.

“Mom, what...”
“I’m sorry. I need a minute.”
When my breathing regulated and my muscles loosened, I tried
to alleviate my daughters’ concern and confusion. We began to
talk about how accidents happen and how our bodies and brains
respond when we’re scared.

As we spoke, it hit me: The adrenaline rush, increased heart-
rate and upset stomach I felt must be how my children feel when
they’re in the midst of a tantrum. And just as I couldn’t respond
to them after the near-accident while I was experiencing such
intense emotions, they aren’t able to process what I’m saying to
them while they’re melting down.

That’s why therapists advise against arguing with or lectur-
ing a child during a tantrum. Meltdowns are caused by overload,
explains Laura Baker, a clinical psychologist from Fairfax, VA, and
the mother of two boys. When her sons start to lose it, Baker
stops talking. She stays present but doesn’t make any demands.

Once they’re ready to talk, she asks them what they need.

“They may not know what they really need, but it’s a way of
helping them think,” she says.

ISTOCK/GETTY IMAGES PLUS/MOFLES
BY HANNAH GRIECO