5 Tips for a Peaceful
Stepfamily Holiday
However, I learned some valuable lessons on negotiating with
TEXT Gayla Grace
T others and compromising on details that didn’t have to go my way.

I also resolved to take proactive steps in the future to help relieve
he holidays descended upon us quickly after my husband
some of the turmoil and division that occurred among family
and I married mid-October and began our new life together.

members. Here are a few suggestions to enable your family to
My expectations of a joyous holiday season faded as the
enjoy one another and create lasting memories, instead of simply
reality of combining two households with different traditions and
outside family members settled in.

surviving another holiday season.

Set aside unrealistic expectations. Accept that there will be
I wasn’t prepared for the chaos and heartache that accompanied
unhappy moments. Children experience fluctuating emotions as
our first set of holidays together. Blending four young children,
they cope with the loss of their traditional family and accept their
managing a harried schedule with two ex-spouses and competing
new stepfamily. They may act out or withdraw during periods of
with the “other households” for time together and adequate
grief. My stepchildren lost their mother to cancer after my husband
gift exchanges ignited a simmering blaze that burned throughout
and I had been married nine years, and holidays became especially
the season, leaving behind a trail of hurt feelings and
difficult for them. Memories of past holidays sometimes prevented
unmet expectations.

them from enjoying our family celebrations. However, I learned
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that a difficult day or week of frequent tears didn’t have to ruin the
for other family members. And don’t set a lot of rules about where
entire holiday season.

gifts are kept or played with. If your child receives a gift he’s asked
Be proactive. Start planning your schedule early. Have a family
meeting and talk about the logistics of the season—when to
decorate, what to eat, how to do gift exchanges (draw names,
include grandparents, etc.) and what special programs need to be
put on the calendar. Ask each family member to take part in the
planning and decision-making. Begin negotiating the visitation
schedule early to allow time for discussion.

for all year and leaves for Dad’s house that afternoon, it’s likely he’ll
want to take it with him.

Start new traditions together and continue to celebrate old ones
that fit. Traditions offer a sense of belonging to family members
and cement relationships as they’re carried out together. Talk to
your children about what traditions are important to them and
brainstorm ideas of new ones to start together. Soon after we
Be flexible and agreeable with other family members,
married, we started a tradition of reading the Christmas story to
when possible. Be willing to make sacrifices to fit everyone’s
our children on Christmas Eve to remind them of the reason we
schedule. Offer alternatives when negotiating and recognize that
Thanksgiving and Christmas can be celebrated on a day other
than the official holiday and still be a special day. We’ve altered
our Christmas gift exchange many years to allow everyone to
be together. Try to be fair to all parties involved and commit to
do your part toward peaceful interactions with your ex-spouse.

Separate old marital issues from parenting issues and examine your
heart for resentment or bitterness that might be preventing you
from friendly communication.

celebrate Christmas. Our family also takes time to attend special
church services and enjoy a light show together. Traditions are a
great way for stepfamilies to create bonds with one another that
are strengthened every year as you come together for an
established purpose.

With the right attitude and proactive steps, holidays can be
enjoyable and memorable as a stepfamily. There may be bumps
along the way, but don’t give up on a joyous holiday season.

Consider your children’s needs. Children don’t choose to join a
stepfamily and they don’t deserve to be pulled between family
Gayla Grace writes, speaks and coaches on family and stepfamily issues.

members. Allow them the freedom to love their other parent and go
As a wife and mom to five children, she enjoys spending the holidays
to the other home without a guilt trip. Help your children buy gifts
with her family.

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