HEALTHY FAMILY
New Motherhood
After 35
Our writer discovers a helpful book
from Maryland authors
Yes, there are risks
with any pregnancy,
and for an older mom-
to-be, those risks can
create even more fear
and uncertainty for
the pregnant woman
and also for those who
surround her.

40 Washington FAMILY APRIL 2020
bout 11 years ago, after having had
two great kids, resulting from
smooth-sailing pregnancies at ages
2 9 and 31, my husband and I realized
we wanted a third child. Pregnancy at age 37
actually came easily again but didn’t stick—
and we struggled through two miscarriages.

I went from having been blissfully
unaware of how common miscarriage is
to thinking about it almost obsessively. I
doubted a third child was really in the cards
for us, convinced another pregnancy would
surely end in more heartbreak. When I
became pregnant again at nearly 39, I had
a hard time wrapping my head around it. I
didn’t announce my pregnancy for fear of
“jinxing” it. I just couldn’t seem to allow
myself to relax and enjoy the pregnancy,
and I regret that now. I kept the frustrations
and worries bottled up, because I didn’t
think anyone would understand.

If only I had known then how many
women share these common struggles,
particularly as we approach motherhood
after 35. I recently read “Beyond the Egg
Timer: A Companion Guide for Having
Babies in Your Mid-Thirties and Older”
by Maryland authors Sharon Praissman
Fisher and Emma Williams. I wish I had
been able to read this book a decade ago.

Williams is a public health researcher and
Fisher is a psychiatric nurse practitioner
and Buddhist lay teacher, and both experi-
enced their own struggles with pregnancy
after age 35.

They decided to write “Beyond the Egg
Timer” to help other women. The book
draws upon a dozen real-life, personal sto-
ries from women in varying situations who
found themselves navigating the challenges
of pregnancy over 35. The narratives are
honest, vulnerable and inspiring. And they
are super easy to connect with—so many
parts of each story rang true as I considered
and compared our experiences.

Camaraderie in a book
Fisher and Williams thoughtfully reflect
on each account from their professional
perspectives, offering advice and evi-
dence-based coping skills that readers
can apply in their own lives. The book is
divided into three sections to reflect recur-
rent reasons why women are having babies
later in life: indecision, infertility and sim-
ply life’s way of not always working on
your intended schedule.

In 1970, the average age of new moms
was 21. Today, it’s nearly 30. According
to the Centers for Disease Control and
Prevention (CDC), in 2018, birthrates for
women ages 15 to 39 were decreasing, but
the number of women ages 40 to 44 giv-
ing birth has been increasing by 3 percent
each year since 1982. There are many ben-
efits of having children later. Older women
may have had more time to build careers,
gain financial security, travel and become
wiser and more confident, allowing them
to feel more grounded, prepared and ready
to tackle parenthood.

That said, parenthood after 35 also comes
with additional challenges. For starters,
the term “advanced maternal age,” and
the much worse “geriatric pregnancy”
or “elderly primgravida,” are pretty darn
off-putting, aren’t they? There are certainly
more precautions that health-care provid-
ers would like patients to take, including
more screenings, more frequent checkups
and perhaps stricter attention paid to stress
factors. Yes, there are risks with any preg-
nancy, and for an older mom-to-be, those
risks can create even more fear and uncer-
tainty for the pregnant woman and also for
those who surround her.

Changing attitudes
There are also societal judgments and
pressures, and there’s simply never a
shortage of people who want to take the
MOFLES / ISTOCK / GETTY IMAGES PLUS
BY COURTNEY MCGEE



HEALTHY FAMILY
opportunity tell you the worst possible
stories about what can go wrong, is there?
One day, I was in the locker room after a
swim, at age 39 and at 39 weeks pregnant. A
woman at a nearby locker asked when I was
due, and I said in one week. She said “Oh,
do not let them let you go overdue! That
happened to my husband’s first wife and
the baby died!” I was dumbstruck. Then a
sweet, wonderful little old lady jumped in
and said, “How dare you say that? Get out
of here! Out! Out!” and literally chased her
from the room. (OK, that part was actually
pretty awesome.)
Unlike the Negative Nellies and Debbie
Downers of this world, “Beyond the Egg
Timer” maintains a positive energy, aiming
to inspire and motivate women embarking
on an uncertain pursuit of childbearing a bit
later in life. Fisher and Williams reinforce
the importance of connections, flexibility,
humor and acceptance.

They also coined the term “pregtiquette,”
offering helpful lessons on how to address
the social awkwardness and “icky emotional
and interpersonal situations that can arise”
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while trying to conceive and being pregnant.

For example, pregtiquette vignettes demon-
strate how to handle common scenarios,
such as unsolicited advice, nosey questions
about fertility, intrusive opinions on birth
plans and how to respond to a pregnancy
announcement from a friend or relative
when wrestling with your own fertility-re-
lated issues.

Another section explores self-care and
mindfulness to manage stress and cre-
ate healthier relationships with our own
thoughts, reminding us that “we cannot
control when we will conceive or if we
encounter major health issues along the
way. We can only control our response.”
There’s even some handy basic instruction
on how to meditate. If stress is more per-
vasive and becomes anxiety, the authors
note that talking to a therapist and pur-
suing help such as cognitive behavioral
therapy can be empowering and ease suf-
fering. Plus, the book outlines a host of
recommended additional resources on fer-
tility and conception, mental health, mom
blogs, pregnancy and parenting.

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We’re not alone
The personal stories are the heart of
the book, presenting different perspec-
tives and giving new ways to think about
things. Fisher says the goals of “Beyond
the Egg Timer” are to normalize hav-
ing children later in life and to give you
a chance to better understand your own
feelings and concerns. She says: “Maybe
you’re like me: ambitious, goal-oriented
and experienced at working really hard
and really smart toward something and
achieving it. I give a lot, expect a lot and,
at the core, attempt to control a lot. But
here is the thing: Pregnancy is not like
that. Parenting is certainly not like that.

Life is not like that.”
If you or a loved one would appreciate
some compassion, comfort and coping
skills for the unpredictable journey to
motherhood in later years, this book has
much to offer. Yes, there are risks with any
pregnancy, and for an older mom-to-be,
those risks can create even more fear and
uncertainty for the pregnant woman and
also for those who surround her. n
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